


I'm Sick of Games

by finnonna



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Body horror tw, M/M, and i hope that you enjoy!!, blood tw, death tw, i hope i did all the characters justice, kinda? it happens in a dream i guess, near death tw, this is my first crit fic!! ahhh please be nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8714329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnonna/pseuds/finnonna
Summary: Life was a never ending maze, one that seemed to enjoy tripping Vax’ildan over and over again. Answers never came easily to him. He had to stumble and fall many times before he could find a clear answer to his questions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote parts straight from memory so it may not be quite so accurate, but I hope you still enjoy!  
> Title is inspired by the song "Woke the F*ck Up" by Jon Bellion. I mainly listened to that song and "Bird Set Free" by Sia while writing this.  
> Also tw for blood, body horror, near death, death (kinda. it happens in a dream)

_Blood spewing between his fingers, tears streaming down his face. A clammy hand gripping his, purple clothing ruined. A handsome, brave man’s eyes closed, his head on his lap. Sounds blurring, his heart beating too fast and too slow altogether. Choking noise stuck in his throat._ How could I let this happen? _A collective gasp as the hand squeezed his. The choking noise breaking free of his throat. Relief._

* * *

There was a cold sweat on Vax’ildan’s brow as he came from his unrestful sleep. His hands gripped tightly on his sheets, his dark eyes staring up at the ceiling. _Just another dream_ , he reminded himself. He had enough nightmares that he should have been used to them, but this wasn’t a nightmare, this was a memory. A recollection of the worst day of his life.

No matter, he was alive and Vax no longer had to worry about him being in harm’s way. Pike healed him, he would be fine, just as long as the dragons stayed far from Whitestone. _Whitestone, where you aren’t. Where you can’t protect him. If he dies, it’s your fault. The Raven Queen isn’t going to grant that wish twice._ Vax knew he could take care of himself, he didn’t need the rogue to be the hero. It’s not as though he had a claim on protecting him, Vax had made sure that wasn’t going to happen.

_Idiot._

It was over, there was no more he could do. He ruined it, he had ended it. He was in love, he couldn’t go back on it now. He was in love with Keyleth, he shouldn’t even be worrying about his _friend_ like this.

* * *

 

 _Is this what love feels like?_ He asked himself as he walked away from her. As he tried to talk to her, but the words came stumbling from his clumsy mouth. As she looked away from him, her eyes distant and wary.

He knew that was his doing, he was going down a path that she wasn’t comfortable with. He was walking a thin line and it was quickly becoming thinner and thinner. She had so much to worry about already, she had lost so much from these fucking dragons and he was just adding more and more to her.

 __Crack._ _ “Fuck!” He wailed, holding his fist to his chest, the tree being a lot harder than he had anticipated. “Jesus Christ, whoever that is, that fucking hurt!” Something was definitely dislocated, at the very least.

* * *

Vex didn’t look surprised when he found her later, his last two fingers unable to straighten or close. The cure wounds was a quick fix to his hand, but her firm fingers clasped around his wrist still. “Brother, what did you do?” Her face clouded as she looked up at his,“What happened? You can talk to me!”

He shook her hand from his, breaking free of her grasp, a little more roughly than he should have. “Thank you, Sister.” He said, his back turned to her as he walked away.

* * *

The dreams continued, growing longer and grimmer as they went, more images of his nearly dead _friend_ plagued his nights _._ There was no hiding that he wasn’t okay from the group, but they kept quiet for the most part, allowing him to “sulk”. They all believed Vex’s death and his promise was making him act out. He didn’t think they were wrong, he had watched his sister die. Of course, he wasn’t okay. He didn’t know how she was continuing as she was after it.

He didn’t want to be angry with her, but gods, she was making jokes about it! She was pretending to be okay and he knew she wasn’t. She couldn’t be okay if he was so broken about this. He couldn’t believe that she could be okay after _dying._

“Vax, are you okay?” A soft voice asked him, just at the wrong moment.

“I told everyone that I’m fucking fine! How many time do I need to say it?” He yelled as he whipped around to face the voice. His eyes drew up to meet Keyleth’s as her lower lip trembled and she nodded through tears. “Fuck, Keyleth! I didn’t mean to yell!” Vax said to her retreating back, his voice still quite loud and not as reassuring as he had meant for it to come out. “Shit.”

* * *

Was she avoiding him? Was this really love? What could he do to make this better? Did she love him? How did he manage to ruin everything? How could this be love if he kept fucking it up?

* * *

Few sentences passed between them for the next week, tension and sadness almost tangible. His lip was bloody from the amount he was worrying it. Everything tinged black, colors seemed to be mute now. Meals weren’t a time he looked forward to, food was simply fuel now. He could barely taste anything.

This was wrong, he was dragging them all down. This wasn’t right, he could barely focus.

He hated this. His hands gripped his long hair, tugging it tightly in frustration. His brain felt like a cloud, he was drifting and barely saw anything anymore. Tears of anger pricked at his eye. This wasn’t him, how was this happening to him? He blinked rapidly, his stomach turning and his head spinning. He going out of control.

* * *

“Well, I do believe we should visit Whitestone.” Vax’s head whipped toward Percy, his focus finally on the conversation. “I think my sister could use some help, we have sent her quite a few extra mouths to feed."

They were going back to Whitestone, they hadn’t been there in so long. His heart fluttered and his brows furrowed. Why was he excited to go to Whitestone? The mansion was basically a home at this point, there was no reason for his excitement.

 _Gil- Pike was there!_ He reasoned with himself, he was obviously missing the small gnome terribly. It made sense. Well, it would have, if he had remembered that he was avoiding the topic of the Raven Queen and he had a distinct feeling she was aware of the issue he was facing.

His face fell and had he been watching closer, he would have seen his sister eyeing him.

* * *

He felt frozen as he stepped out of the tree, into the middle of the main square of Whitestone. It was gray. Everything seemed so muted, why was it so quiet? Any excitement he previously held fell away from him. Dread filled his chest. He didn’t want to be here.

“I haven’t seen Whitestone quite so lively in some time!” Percy said delightedly as he joined Vex in looking around.

Vax’s jaw nearly fell to the floor, _this was lively?_ Everything seemed so dull, so boring. How was this lively? He watched blankly as the rest of the party began their walk to the castle, Keyleth looking back at him quickly, before frowning and continuing her walk up.

His left eye twitched.

* * *

As he stood longer staring out blankly over the square, people began to filter out of the main area, it was nearing dinner. His sister would wonder where he had gone off to. He climbed the Sun Tree, the strong branches hiding him in the shadows.

The shadows were a blanket, no one could find him here. He wouldn’t have to pretend he was excited to have returned. He could feel the dread in his chest without wondering who was watching him.

He fell asleep in the tree, teeth chattering as he slept.

* * *

He most certainly did not wake up in the tree, his body covered in blankets and a pillow beneath his head. He was in the castle. There was no way he would have forgotten the walk to the castle, no matter how exhausted he was.

Who would have even known where he was? There was no way someone could find him, Vex would have woken him if she had found him and the rest of the party had no chance of spotting him. His frown deepened, his eyes narrowed. He couldn’t figure this out, how could someone find him?

* * *

 

Breakfast was uneventful, no one commenting on his disappearance last night, light discussion between the party, Kima, and Cassandra filled the large. He was surprised _and a little disappointed_ to see that no one else joined them that morning.

The group was sat at a long table, but Vax had removed himself from it after he had finished eating. His back was to them, his figure curled tightly by a window, staring out at the uncomfortable gray terrain in front of him.

He sighed and his warm breath fogged the glass over for a moment. His eyes trailed away from the small cloud as he readied to turn and leave. Just as he was about to retire from the window, something unusual caught his eye.

_Purple. A bright purple cloak in the middle of all the gray._

His breath sucked in sharply, his eyes widening as he confirmed who it was. __Why did he feel sick?__ He nearly clicked his boots to leave faster, but just sprinted from the room as surprised voices followed him.

“Vax! Are you alright?” His sister’s worried voice called for him in the hallway.

“I’m fine, Sister!” A short reply, but her footsteps stopped behind him, she knew he wasn’t ready to speak about it. Had he been less focused on sprinting for his room, he might have seen the purple cloak that paused in the main doorway.

* * *

Avoiding a man who mainly wore bright purples was actually far harder than he anticipated. He wasn’t sure why he was avoiding him exactly, but it seemed like the right thing to do. He couldn’t dream of a man and cry over a man who he had let go. A man that had wanted him, but took his rejection so gracefully.

It just seemed right to avoid him and to knock on her door late at night when no one could see him go into her room. They barely talked there too, they spoke of their struggles and their sadness. It didn’t make him feel any lighter. He couldn’t smile, even though she tried to crack jokes. There was something missing now, that wasn’t a few months ago.

The dragons seemed to take more than her people and their home.

* * *

_Running. He is running, his breath harsh. He had to find him. He had to find them. He was just one man against a red dragon, but he would be damned if he did not try to find his people. To find the man he loved dearly._

_They weren’t there!_ Gods damn it . __He couldn’t stop now, he had to help them, he hoped they were safe. They_ needed _to be safe, they were the only chance the world would have. No one was crazy and brilliant enough to take this on as they were._ _

__His magic was powerful. He knew that his magic was powerful, but it was exhausting. He wouldn’t be able to do another spell after this one. Better make great then. The energy crackled from his fingertips, the pure force of the spell bringing the Dragon’s head whipping around, teeth snapping as the Red Dragon saw who had just attacked them again._ _

_Teeth sinking into his middle, a scream ripping out from his throat. That did not go as planned, but his eyes still shine as he realized that the rest of the people had been able to run far from the Dragon._

___He dropped as though he wasn’t good enough to be eaten, the Dragon looking down disdainfully at his broken body. He thought he heard the Dragon say,“Humans.”_ _ _

_ He almost wanted to laugh, this was not how he expected his ending to go. There was not much fighting in his life, he was a man of business. He hoped he had given them a chance, even though he hadn’t found them. _

__ His vision was swimming, but he dragged himself to his feet. If he were to die today, it would not be here. He would die where he lived and where he loved, he would die in his shop. _ _

_ Every inch was horrifying, each step met with a hand clenching his side. He was off-balance. He couldn’t see straight. He was nearly there. He wouldn’t die so close to home. He was so far. He had to make it. He had to make it. He had to make IT! _

_ His shaking fingers open the trapdoor. He falls into the hole limply. His eyes stared up at the open door. He hears the gasps from the women in the room, he sees the children turning to look. _

__ _ “I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, Sherri. Things didn’t go exactly how I planned.” He saw Sherri’s terrified face, tears swimming in her eyes. He smiled at her, she shouldn’t be scared for him. He wasn’t too afraid of death.  _ _ _

* * *

_ He is not here. He is not here! Where the hell is he! He had to be here! He needed to be safe! Of all the people, he needed to be safe. He deserved to be safe. He couldn’t be out there. _

_ He nearly fell over at the sight of him. That wasn’t the man he knew, he wasn’t smiling. He should have found him earlier. His hands are in his own hair, pulling at it, Gods, this was his fault. He should have found him, he shouldn’t have been avoiding him. He could have saved him. _

__ __ He rushes forward, his ears deaf to the noise around him. How could this have happened? He cradled his head in his lap. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this. His shaking fingers combing through the man’s hair, as the other hand gripped a clammy hand. How was this fair? Of all the people. _ _ _ _

__ __“Heal him!” His voice cracked. Emotions falling from every ounce of him. “Heal him. Please.”_ _ _ _ He can’t die.  __ ___ His fingers tightened around the clammy hand. This needed to work. He shook like a leaf. This needed to work. _ _ _ _ _

_ He heard the sigh from beside him. “Heal him!” He is desperate. He is wild, his tears free-falling. Sobs choking the air he had. This needed to work. He couldn’t die. _

_ “We’re trying, Vax.” A small voice said behind him,“It’s not working…” _

_ His hand left the hair and the hand, going to his own, pulling and tearing at it. “Heal him! Do it! Save him, he can’t die!” He was sobbing, his tears falling on the face of the man. _

__ ___ _ “Vax, there’s nothing we can do. I think he has accepted the path in front of him.” The voice sounds broken as if they didn’t understand either. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ “But he was alive. He can’t die. We need him. I need him.” He hears crying behind him. He leans down far enough their foreheads touch,“I need you. I need you. You need to come back. Can’t you see I need you?” Shuddering breathes left him, how did he let this happened. _

__ ___ __ It took hours, but finally, with Vax holding him, he passed through to the Raven Queen. The tears never stopped. He didn’t leave his body until they separated them. _ _ _ _ _ _ _

* * *

He was shaking when he woke, real tears streaming down his face. It wasn’t real. It felt real. It could have happened like that. He could have lost him. He could have lost him.

He couldn’t lose him.

He felt it as his heart hammered against his chest, as he sat in his bed, as the tears flew down his face. He made too many mistakes to fix them, but he had to try. He had to try because for once he had a clear thought in his mind. He had an answer.

* * *

“Kiki,” Vax said to a large door after his knuckles rapped against them. “We need to talk.”

She opened the door, dressed for sleep, but there was no sleep on her face. “Come in.” Vax stepped in, looking clearly at her for the first time in months. She seemed a bit startled by the look.

“I love you.” As she opened her mouth to struggle to get a reply out, he cut her off. “But I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. We can’t do this anymore. We aren’t happy. This isn’t working.”

She looked shocked but unharmed by his words. She attempted to get the right words, but he spoke over her again.

“After the dragons, something changed, after Vex… Died, I changed and I don’t think it’s right that you have to be with me when I’m not the same man as I used to be. Does that make sense? I’m sorry. I love you, but we can’t keep doing this.”

“Okay. Okay, yeah, this all makes sense. I’m glad you were able to figure that out. I’m glad that we can keep being friends.” Her eyes widened suddenly,“I mean we can still be friends, right? I still wanna be your friend.”

He grinned and again she looked visibly surprised. “I want to be your friend, Kiki. I want to be your best friend. I think we can be better best friends than we can be anything else.”

She nodded and smiled softly. “I like this.”

“I need to go to talk to someone else.” There was a twinkle in his eye, one that had been lost so many months ago.

“I’ll see you at breakfast then?” A question that was far more than one question.

“Yes, you will.”

* * *

It took some time to gather the courage to knock on his door. It swung open and revealed a leaning man in purple sleeping robes. “Vax’ildan, what a wonderful surprise. Last time I saw you, you were asleep in the Sun Tree! Glad to see you’ve decided to sleep indoors now.”

Of course. Of course, it was him who found him. “Gilmore. I have so much to tell you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!  
> I love Vaxleth and Vaxmore, I was just feeling very emotional about Vaxmore today. I hope I did Vax and Keyleth's friendship justice in this!  
> Y'all have a great day! Thanks for reading.


End file.
